I think it’s worth pointing out, right at the start, that I am not a qualified therapist or doctor. I am just sharing a method I used, which taught me how to reflect and empathise, or at least gave me enough tools to begin that journey.
When my ‘dam’ broke, and all these unresolved and unspoken thoughts and questions started to surface, I was in my mid-50s, in a professional job, and most everyone who knew me would say I had ‘got it together’. I was a ‘stay strong and carry on’ guy, so looking to therapy or counselling, at that time, seemed impossible to me, as I didn’t know how to communicate my feelings.
Of course, a good therapist or counsellor would have helped me with that, which I understand now, but did I mention I was a ‘stay strong and carry on’ guy 🙂
I had no tools to process these feelings with, so I came up with the idea of writing letters to people, letting them know how I felt about certain situations or unanswered questions. These were people I no longer had contact with, for any number of reasons, including their death. They might also be groups of people or faceless organisations, such as schools or social services. Either way, it was a first step to processing these unfamiliar thoughts, and the start of healing and self-love for me.
This isn’t about striking out, though the anger was the first real emotion I felt; it’s about exposing the anger, fear, guilt, pain, etc., I had not processed over the years, and to begin to understand it, process it and own it.
The method is simple
This is a reflective exercise, and I’ve shared it in case it might be helpful to anyone. There are plenty of ways to process historical trauma. I find writing works for me; for you, it might be drawing, painting, poetry, etc. The important thing is to revisit it and reflect.
- Identify an entity you have strong feelings about, it could be a person or a body of people, or maybe an institution.
- Try talking your feelings through, and then writing them down. It could be that verbalising it is enough; you could even record it. I find writing and editing, reading, and absorbing work well for me, and I find writing a ‘letter’ helpful.
- Leave it for a few days and come back to it, read or listen to it a few times, and then revise it if you wish. Allow yourself to feel and reflect on the content.
- If you like, once you understand your feelings more, you can try to put yourself in the place of the person you are communicating with; this would be empathy, something I’ve never understood. I found this very useful when dealing with feelings about my absent father. Remember, this is about beginning to understand and being able to process, to let go. It’s not about forgiving them or yourself; that is a choice you make.
Keep these thoughts somewhere so you can return to them if you want to. These are your thoughts; you don’t have to share or publish them. It might seem, in an age of content creation, that sharing on a social media platform is something we have to do, but don’t feel you have to. It’s your choice to only share what you want to share. For me, sharing is a part of healing, which is why I made my blog public, but that’s me. I am publishing a few of these here if you want to take a look.
I have since seen therapists and counsellors who have been an amazing help in my progress to where I am now; in fact, without them, I would still be poking around in the dark 🙂
It’s never too late; you are worth spending some time on.