This is a series of letters I wrote to work through some very personal feelings I had locked away. They were a way for me to process events in my life. You can find out more about this process here.
Some of these letters will seem mean, some angry, and some a belated thank you to people. I tried to write them to capture how I felt at the time; some are quite raw and might seem childish, but it’s an attempt to process authentically how I felt at the time.
Dear Dad
Did you forget my birthday? It’s ok, doesn’t matter, after all, I’ll be 18 for 364 more days. I know you’re busy, lots of things to do, so whenever you have a beer and a fag, think of me, wondering what I did to be forgotten about.
I know you love me, I know, but sometimes I’d just like to know you are thinking about what you made and not the mistake I think I am, because that’s how it felt for a long time while mom was so ill and no one around, not to help her but to help me, the 7,8,9-year-old trying to cook, to fix the washing machine, to keep warm in the dark.
I loved visiting you in the big house filled with animals and interesting junk, with a garden that felt like a park to me. Sitting in your office, drawing while you smoked and typed, following you up to the pub for a drink with your friends. Always my hero for the longest time, so it’s just hard when again I’m let down.
Not sure when I’ll see you again, I’m working now, it’s a shit job, but it pays for my drums. Oh yeah, I’ve started drumming, it’s a new thing I do with my friends. I wanted to show you my kit. Maybe one day we can jam.
Love David
Context: On my 18th birthday (1983), I was expecting my dad to visit, as he usually came to see me on my birthday. I had a number of friends over, but he was a no-show, so I popped to the local phone box in the end to see if he was coming and rang him; he lived about 50 miles away. When he picked up the phone and said hello, I said hello, and he asked how I was and then why I was calling, as I didn’t call often. I said. “I’m 18 today, Dad.” In fairness to him, he did sound sorry, but I was upset and angry and soon said goodbye and went off with my friends. The tone of the letter may seem unfair, but it was how I felt at the time. I know he loved me, and we had a good relationship until he died in 2021.