Being alone is not the worst. Though loneliness can leave you hurting, wanting, hunting for that moment, which used to be filled, and warm and safe. Missing someone you took for granted, like that herb garden you lovingly planted, only to find by winter it was gone, another thing you had forgotten to maintain.
I’ve been lukewarm before, half awake, half asleep, not aware of magic or love or friends who needed help, but I prioritised myself, and blamed it all on something else. I won’t do that again, or at least I’ll try to be a better friend, or father, or lover or partner.
Next time, I will tell my love how beautiful they are, and what they mean to me, I’ll bore them to death and risk the rolling eyes and deep exhaled sighs, but inside, they will know how wonderful they are, of the breath they put into my lungs, the ideas they put inside my head, and the laughter and the tears we have shared.
But only if I’m brave enough, of course, that terrifying moment when you first reach out and hug, or take someone’s hand in yours, and most terrifying of all, that first kiss, to lean in and connect or not at all, to risk that moment that changes everything you can’t control, I think I’d rather dance with dragons and fall through fire but of course, to connect, the risk is worth it all.
To know the feeling of missing someone the moment that they leave, that hug that seconds ago was filled is now just a space between your arms, or an empty hand on the wheel of a car as you drive away, or a kiss that’s fading on your lips, the wonderful sadness after the high of just because you said goodbye. The last kiss at night and the first kiss of the day, how I long for that again.
And then the hidden passion of a public kiss, that, as you part, makes you smile and lights their eyes, your secret till you find yourselves alone, with fingers caressing cheeks and necks, and causing involuntary moans, and sensual hands find skin and slowly kisses move to below your partner’s mouth, and it begins, so lock the door, or maybe don’t.
So no more complacent hugs or empty kisses, this could be a last goodbye, don’t fucking waste that time, tell them how you feel and mean it, like yours life depends on it, because of course it does, what’s the point of breathing if you can’t feel love.
